Mother’s Day

Yes this story could be a journey too. The journey of a daughter to find a mother to love her.

It’s Mother’s Day today and I see lots of pics and posts appreciating and thanking mother’s for their efforts, love and various other expressions.

Till the farthest end to where my memory can travel, I grew up without cuddles, hugs or kisses or any sweet pet names. My mother just hated me to the core, for reasons I am still trying to investigate because she was different to my siblings-my brothers. So it cannot be that she did not have those motherly instincts in her. Never a kind word that I can remember my mother ever said to me. Rather, the filthy words or names she hurled at me tore my heart deeper and deeper.

I often ask myself even today why I was not good enough for my mother to love me. I would see her cuddling and hugging my brothers in front of me while the very same moment she would just say something humiliating to me. When I got my periods for the first time, she made me feel like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. She would hurl deregatory comments at me to embarass me or shame me. I used to be very hurt and felt shameful for having periods. All this in front of my dad. A mother comforts her girl during such times and not add to her pain.

More often taunting my looks, body shaming me, referring to me with abusive filthy words, deregatory remarks, hurtful disrespectful names, poking me, pinching me, kicking me if I m on sitting on floor, she just didn’t spare any opportunity to let me down and they say ‘It is mothers who instill the sense of confidence in children‘. For all the years you live with your parents, you consider your mother an authority over you, so you tend to believe whatever she says about you. She gave me not one word that would make me confident or feel secured.

Today I am 47 years old, and I am very casually in touch with my mother. However I have no affection for her at all. She has absolutely no remorse feeling about the emotional, mental and psychological damages she has done to me, which has started surfacing on me at this age now. Perhaps she conveniently believes that I do not remember any of it. I HATE HER to the core however I am thankful that she kept me feeding and breathing.

But also there were nice things happening around me during those years of sadness and sorrows. I would naturally get drawn to good mother’s among my friends and neighbours. Whenever I visited my friends homes, I would see their mothers and feel happy, they would also treat me well like they treated their own daughters. I had this one particular friend whose mother would even hug me during games, and I used to feel heaven. This another friend’s mother always served me food with respect and affection, for which I craved at my own home. So instances such as these made me believe that good mother’s did exist, only I was unlucky to have one for myself.

So thereon at a very young age I decided I want to be a mother someday and experience the mother-child relationship in a positive manner. The love that I did not recieve as a child, one day I will experience it as a mother.

So today here I am, Single Mother by Choice. When you grow up without experiencing compassion and love, you are forever doubtful in pursuing or continuing a relationship, so when my love-interest decided one day to discontinue, I did not put any effort to retain the relationship. My interest and concern was always towards my child which was the pre-condition of this relationship.

They say, it’s the mother who teaches a child how to love another person. Well here I have to agree with the phrase. Because while one mother’s hatred towards me was killing me inside, other good mothers I knew was helping me build up. I understood and now believed Hatred confuses life but love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life but love illuminates it – Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have been a single mother from the very moment my child was born. Today he is 17 years old, a very compassionate, kind loving boy, who makes me proud everyday. I m so thankful to the almighty for making me a mother, a mother who can love my child unconditionally.

Every day every moment I try hard not to be like my mother. I choose my words carefully, I do not wait or look for reason to hug or kiss my child. I serve him food with love and I believe even a toddler should be treated with respect, so I teach him and practice myself too that respect is mutual. I try and encourage my child to believe in himself. I promise him every fortnight that no matter what, I will always be there for him, he can come to me with his problems even when I m 90 years old. When he is wrong, I might be little angry initially but doesn’t mean I will leave him alone to face it.

I am forever fighting with myself to not become a mother I could not have but a mother I want to be.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all those good mothers who helped me to get through the most difficult time of my life❤️👩‍👧

A Loner

Yes! That’s what I was told today that I am. Thanks to Google, I found plenty of definations for it.

Yes, Loner I am. And that’s what led me to the world of travel. Brenna Smith once said Travel is the best way to be lost and found at the same time. I travel at my pace, my decision, my place, my choice and most of all it allows me to embark on an inward journey of self-discovery about myself. It allows me to seek some inner peace and self-exploration.

When I traveled for the first time as a solo traveler, I did not have a confirmed destination, a tour plan or a traveling partner. When life began to suck, when I could not see a clear picture for myself, when I did not see anyone who could guide me or hold my hands, one night I packed my bags and started on my journey, with a suitcase of clothes, my certificates, a small financial arrangement and but most of it in plenty, I carried courage in abundance.

In those days, or atleast in the environment I grew up, we did not have too much or any access to the outside world so did not know the risks for a woman traveling alone. Most of my childhood were spent alone in my room, to escape the verbal and emotional assault from my mother. I had learnt to repress my emotions to avoid from getting rejected. My small world were my drawing books in which I drew beautiful green hills, rising or setting sun behind the mountains and moonlight on rivers. But those pictures brought so much peace to my thoughts. I wanted to reach that place where the land meets the sky. Today I believe, perhaps I was forever a loner and so I had a dreamy world for myself and I wanted to reach there somewhere.

And that somewhere I am still searching. Life is a journey which has no destination they say but if it is so, then where is it I want to reach, what is it I am searching for. I hope there is no answer to it, because I don’t want to stop, because if I stop I would be no more. Because LONER that I am, I have no other companion but this journey I am on.

A Mountain calling

Boredom was at its peak, when I decided to go trekking for the first time, three years ago. I casually chose a trekking group online and registered for the trek. The entire week was spent in anxiousness about several things. This was my first trip after returning from the Andaman’s with a fractured ankle, my frequent lower back pain due to spondylosis and what if I get into complications like heat stroke and exhaustion as my water intake was poorest. I did not share my trekking plan to anyone at home or among friends, for the fear about what if the entire thing would become a blunder if I failed.

Well I had one week with me to prepare for this trek, which I began whole-heartedly. I started regular jogging, drinking water every half hour, reworked my diet chart, resting my back as often as possible. Personally my energy levels have always been quite high so I knew I wouldn’t be tired or anything but the fear that my lower back would dump me somewhere on the way up was constantly hitting me. If I failed halfway, one of the trek members would have to discontinue his trek and attend to me, which I would not let happen. I reminded myself that I am a brave girl and I have come out a survivor at the worst of times in life. This too I definitely can do. That gave me some confidence, smiling I pulled over the bedsheet, and slept for a few hours.

Early morning at 5am, I reached the gathering spot with butterflies in my stomach. A group of 14-15, all in their best of youth, I felt secretly out of place. Aiming at a fort located at 3567 feet above, we initiated our climb after a set of instructions from out trek leader. Thankfully, I did not fail anywhere, at many junctures I was leading the group. Due to my over-enthusiastic and no-patience nature, while the group would wait to relax or take pics, I would keep walking leaving them far behind. I enjoyed the company of two engineering young lads who reminded me of my son, yacking all the way to the top.

The trek was a moderate one, along deep ravines and cliffs with narrow routes with beautiful views of the mountains. A nice cave temple was on the way. There was also a forest, rocky climbs. Overall, My first trekking experience was truly an enchanting experience, and thereafter I did several treks within Maharashtra.

However, my first trek was followed by tragedy on me which was discovered a week later.

Keep reading my blog for my travel stories.

AlsoVisit my Instagram @wings.2travel

Horrid Travel stories

Travelling by yourself, as a woman is definitely a risky, frivolous pursuit be it to whichever country or place in the world. I traveled everywhere with my son since he was a toddler. And a single mother traveling alone with a toddler or even a ten year old could not be any less challenging as it would be for a 16year old teenage girl.

I too have had several ackward, scary or could have been more dangerous situations during my travels. Let me share one such situation with you all..

Once in 2010, my son 7years at that time and myself were on our way to the airport, to board a flight Colombo-Mumbai scheduled at 7am. The travel agency arranged a known taxi for us. Considering the distance from the hotel to the airport 3 hours + 2 hours early arriving at airport before departure, our taxi journey commenced at 2am. 30 to 45 minutes through the journey, I realized something was amiss. Raised by an alcoholic father, the odor of alcohol wasn’t new to me. I understood the driver is drunk. My son dozed off in my lap..The driver switched on some dirty music and started singing along with it loudly..I requested him to switch off the music but he couldn’t or didn’t want to hear me. I could feel him staring at me intently through the rear-view mirror. I started feeling scared but I decided not to exhibit my fear, I avoided eye contact completely. I noticed 2 of 3 mirrors were directed towards me so anywhere I looked he was looking at me. I rolled down the windows and it was pitch-black outside, we were on the highways,with no roadlights I couldnt make out if we were passing a jungle or any kind of waterbody. I was wishing if I could see any police patrol car, I would wave or scream..All kind of dreadful thoughts in my head – what if he raped me, then kill my little son and me.. while I was lost in my thoughts, suddenly he put his left hand on the seat head next to him, partly pointing towards me and watching thru the mirror if I was reacting.He still was singing and had a dirty disgusting smile on him attempting to get reaction from me.His hands were so close to me as he had pushed back the front seat .It was getting more and more scary, I then saw the city lights approaching.. Saved. We reached the airport, I rushed out my bags and without a single glance at him, I took my son and vanished into the airport..


I am not sure if I have been able to convey the horrid experience in my writing as I had encountered it..oh well I didn’t spare him at all, once I was inside the airport I immediately called the hotel and told them about it, the man was arrested and lost his job too. This was the worstest of experience I had of many, but as you can see, none has hindered my love and keenness to travel..every such awkward experiences has only made me more tougher, more confident and a careful traveler.. Keep reading for more stories from my travels ❤️.

LIFE IS EITHER A DARING ADVENTURE OR NOTHING AT ALL” ~ HELEN KELLER

A Wild Gesture

Our SriLanka Holidays happened in 2010, as you can see these rides in the pics seemed very entertaining and amusing then, sitting atop the huge animal, said to be a wild animal. I was totally ignorant about animal abuse those days..And today I feel totally disgraced-disgusted, a lot of shame and regret that I indirectly encouraged the unethical and illegal exploitation of wildlife. Animals have a right to live without fear or pain. Wild animal entertainment is a deliberate animal abuse, never encourage any kind of animal entertainment. This world is theirs too. They have not come into this world to entertain the humans..Let them to live freely 🐘❤️

Wanderlust

After my first solo trip I realised that there is a whole world outside there. Idea of traveling alone was definitely daunting in the beginning. But then it had its own perks too. Traveling without family and friends but with total strangers helped me look at life to a wider perspective. I learnt to face fears which I never thought I would otherwise. I understood that having differences aren’t always bad. Made many friends on each trip, some good some wierd. I loved listening to people’s stories. I traveled to many near, far, small, big and new places, I wish I knew one day I would blog then I would have taken plenty of pics and retained memories.

I can confirm that my life has been entirely unpredictable. When I thought my life would be confined to that room in my parents house with sadness, fear and worry as my companion, the idea of fleeing home struck me and destiny opened the doors to travel.

Marriage was never on my cards as my intense and irresistible desire for freedom was above all. But there was this tremendous urge to feel loved and wanted. so I embraced motherhood 🙂🙂 Since then I lived every moment thousand times with my son. Him as my travel companion we visited many places within my budgetory reach and convenience..I will bring them out one by one in future writings. Now my son’s a teenager and has his own plans and so I can expand my wings further to more travels and farther places while I am still young and healthy.

😊🧚🏖️🏝️🌅🌄 This world is full of amazing people with beautiful stories and beautiful places and I want to meet or see them all..

Ringing into my dreams

I am in my mid 40’s, My life’s adventures began very early in life though in a hustle it was when I think of it today. I was 24 and I had fled from home and all I knew was that I should be at the farthest place away from home.  I always enjoyed my own company so I guess being alone wasn’t a big deal but yes I wouldn’t say I wasn’t secretly scared to death. Taking your first solo trip can be scary and overwhelming, particularly for any mentally unstable girl of my background at that time. Totally unplanned, unorganised there I was with a bag of few clothes and limited cash on a train to Delhi at 6.53am in the morning.

Delhi Station and sorroundings was a heavily crowded place not very pleasing at all. A slim petite girl traveling alone wasn’t an everyday sight to the locals, that everyone wanted to rub their hands on. I can say I almost escaped molestation. I decided to move further away. I boarded a good looking tourist bus from Delhi. I made a friend in my co-traveller in the bus. One transport to other and then to other & other, so very late in the night somewhere in the world there I was with a friend of not more than a day, trusting my instincts, could feel my bones freezing, checked into a hotel and before I could even worry or wonder where I was, I digged into the king-size bed snoring away like a 🐻 not knowing that Adventures of my life had already begun🌐.

It was the best sleep of my life. When the curtains were drawn what did I see. I saw the most amazing view of my life – Apple trees and Snow Clad Mountains! It was the most beautiful place I even knew existed. From Mumbai, I had reached MANALI in Himachal Pradesh. We spent two days in Manali. We stayed at a Residential hotel near the Beas River Bank. My new friend knew this place in and out, we crossed an old rope bridge and went into the jungles to explore..One amazing experience was standing on the loose hanging rope bridge and watching the river flow below in its fullest strength, can’t say it wasn’t scary.

I enjoyed his company as much as I enjoyed the beautiful sights. We talked and talked at lengths, there was someone who was willing to hear me out without judging me. I felt very secured with this stranger, surely his upbringing was visible, he treated me with utmost care and affection and at the same time we would do the silliest things and laugh to no end.

After two days, we proceeded towards DALHOUSIE, it is called Mini Switzerland of India. We visited the Dalhousie Public School too. We spent two beautiful days in Dalhousie exploring the hills, walking through jungles, eating at dhabas in the valley etc.

The memories of that trip remains very close to my heart. I regret I did not keep in touch with my first travel friend after that. Gone from my life forever, but never gone from my heart ❤️ I realised there was more to life than I visualised from my drawing books and comics.

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