Yes this story could be a journey too. The journey of a daughter to find a mother to love her.
It’s Mother’s Day today and I see lots of pics and posts appreciating and thanking mother’s for their efforts, love and various other expressions.
Till the farthest end to where my memory can travel, I grew up without cuddles, hugs or kisses or any sweet pet names. My mother just hated me to the core, for reasons I am still trying to investigate because she was different to my siblings-my brothers. So it cannot be that she did not have those motherly instincts in her. Never a kind word that I can remember my mother ever said to me. Rather, the filthy words or names she hurled at me tore my heart deeper and deeper.
I often ask myself even today why I was not good enough for my mother to love me. I would see her cuddling and hugging my brothers in front of me while the very same moment she would just say something humiliating to me. When I got my periods for the first time, she made me feel like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. She would hurl deregatory comments at me to embarass me or shame me. I used to be very hurt and felt shameful for having periods. All this in front of my dad. A mother comforts her girl during such times and not add to her pain.
More often taunting my looks, body shaming me, referring to me with abusive filthy words, deregatory remarks, hurtful disrespectful names, poking me, pinching me, kicking me if I m on sitting on floor, she just didn’t spare any opportunity to let me down and they say ‘It is mothers who instill the sense of confidence in children‘. For all the years you live with your parents, you consider your mother an authority over you, so you tend to believe whatever she says about you. She gave me not one word that would make me confident or feel secured.
Today I am 47 years old, and I am very casually in touch with my mother. However I have no affection for her at all. She has absolutely no remorse feeling about the emotional, mental and psychological damages she has done to me, which has started surfacing on me at this age now. Perhaps she conveniently believes that I do not remember any of it. I HATE HER to the core however I am thankful that she kept me feeding and breathing.
But also there were nice things happening around me during those years of sadness and sorrows. I would naturally get drawn to good mother’s among my friends and neighbours. Whenever I visited my friends homes, I would see their mothers and feel happy, they would also treat me well like they treated their own daughters. I had this one particular friend whose mother would even hug me during games, and I used to feel heaven. This another friend’s mother always served me food with respect and affection, for which I craved at my own home. So instances such as these made me believe that good mother’s did exist, only I was unlucky to have one for myself.
So thereon at a very young age I decided I want to be a mother someday and experience the mother-child relationship in a positive manner. The love that I did not recieve as a child, one day I will experience it as a mother.
So today here I am, Single Mother by Choice. When you grow up without experiencing compassion and love, you are forever doubtful in pursuing or continuing a relationship, so when my love-interest decided one day to discontinue, I did not put any effort to retain the relationship. My interest and concern was always towards my child which was the pre-condition of this relationship.
They say, it’s the mother who teaches a child how to love another person. Well here I have to agree with the phrase. Because while one mother’s hatred towards me was killing me inside, other good mothers I knew was helping me build up. I understood and now believed Hatred confuses life but love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life but love illuminates it – Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have been a single mother from the very moment my child was born. Today he is 17 years old, a very compassionate, kind loving boy, who makes me proud everyday. I m so thankful to the almighty for making me a mother, a mother who can love my child unconditionally.
Every day every moment I try hard not to be like my mother. I choose my words carefully, I do not wait or look for reason to hug or kiss my child. I serve him food with love and I believe even a toddler should be treated with respect, so I teach him and practice myself too that respect is mutual. I try and encourage my child to believe in himself. I promise him every fortnight that no matter what, I will always be there for him, he can come to me with his problems even when I m 90 years old. When he is wrong, I might be little angry initially but doesn’t mean I will leave him alone to face it.
I am forever fighting with myself to not become a mother I could not have but a mother I want to be.
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all those good mothers who helped me to get through the most difficult time of my life❤️👩👧