A Loner

Many a times, I have been called a #Loner, for I prefer to go to a movie alone or for I travel alone or as I prefer to celebrate more of ‘Me’ time. The word may have plenty of definitions to it – A Recluse, An Introvert, A brooder etc etc, however it is to understand that the behaviour totally depends on the context of the situation one has had to deal with in the past. Inside one’s chest there is always a heavy alone feeling and one discovers that the past cannot be locked away because no matter what, unravelling the anger and pain is impossible. Even in the warmth of family and friends, the hard-bitten heart still keeps searching for love, the broken soul is still looking to finds peace.

I have no qualms in calling myself a Loner, I am one. And that’s what led me to the world of travel. Brenna Smith once said Travel is the best way to be lost and found at the same time. However just for enjoying solo travel, it does not make one a Loner, because solo travellers are not lonely people. I do not prefer to travel alone because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to.

Yes, I do prefer to travel alone. Because I can travel at my pace, decide for myself, choose my place and most of all it allows me to embark on an inward journey of self-discovery about myself. It allows me to seek some inner peace and self-exploration.

When I traveled for the first time as a solo traveler, I did not have a confirmed destination, a tour plan or a traveling partner. When life began to suck, when I could not see a clear picture for myself, when I did not see anyone who could guide me or hold my hands, one night I packed my bags and started on my journey, with a suitcase of clothes, my certificates, a small financial arrangement and but most of it in plenty, I carried courage in abundance.

In those days, or atleast in the environment I grew up, we did not have too much or any access to the outside world so did not know the risks for a woman traveling alone. Most of my childhood were spent alone in my room, to escape the verbal and emotional assault arising out of my mother frustations and drunken behaviour of my father. Staying alone in my room I was learning to deal with my inner thoughts and feelings. I preferred not to initiate a conversation for the fear of being rejected and gradually, I had learnt to repress my emotions. My small world were my comics, storybooks and novels in which I read about and imagined of the lovely people, beautiful green hills, rising or setting sun behind the mountains and moonlight on rivers. And that imaginary world was an amazingly beautiful, peaceful, loving and kind place unlike my home. I wanted to reach that place where the land meets the sky. Today I believe, perhaps I was forever a loner and so I had a dreamy world for myself and I wanted to reach there somewhere.

And that somewhere I am still searching. Life is a journey which has no destination they say but if it is so, then where is it I want to reach, what is it I am searching for. I hope there is no answer to it, because I don’t want to stop, because if I stop I would be no more. Because LONER that I am, I need no other companion but this journey I am on. Not because I am forced to keep it that way but because I prefer to keep it that way.